101 Inconsequential Snippets about Me [Revised]

Editor's note: Though it's interesting to read both this and other people's 101's, the realisation dawned that some of inconsequential snippets are a little bland. Therefore, the article was revised to include more interesting, quirky content.

I've been itching to write a new post, but with so many things suddenly appearing to pull my attention in different ways, suffice it to say, I've been busy.

And paradoxically, the more stuff that's going on, the less easy I find it to write. Maybe it's something to do with going insane arranging my thoughts. But with this itch firmly unscratchable, and no organisation going on in my head right now, I thought I'd write something nice and easy.

So here's my 101. I hope you enjoy. I put some real time into these.

1. I always leave the tea bag in the cup while drinking.
   
2. I make lots of lists, but never get around to crossing anything off.
3. Listening to music is a slight addiction. If I'm at a computer, I'll be listening to something.
4. Even though I'm a vegan (and thus don't even eat dairy products), I love the skin-esque thing that forms on top of Cornish clotted cream.
5. I own every Enya album.
6. Jealousy is my biggest vice.
7. I'm hugely jealous of this woman.
8. I sometimes wish I was a woman just so I wouldn't have to think/worry/care about/ponder/fret over liking boys.
9. I sometimes despise the fact I like boys.
10. I find crying really hard, and only do it a couple times a month.
11. Public transport scares me.
12. I love Jeremy Soule's music, but know not many people outside the world of computer games have ever heard of anything he's composed.
13. I'm quite possibly addicted to Twitter.
14. I'm very, very afraid of electricity pylons and find it very difficult to walk under their heavy-duty cables.
15. In the same vein, I'm also deathly afraid of any other large, looming, latticed building. Especially radio towers.
16. I want to take out a gap year, but I'm afraid of failing at it or embarrassing myself (though how you 'fail' at a gap year I do not know!).
    
17. My bed must be made before I get it in at night, even if that means making it just before.
    
18. The night is the best time in the world for me. Especially what I term 'deep night', or 12-3am.
19. I despise the education sector in Britain and wish there were far more homeschooling, or group homeschooling, programs.
20. Any music which my family listens to tends to end up being music I dislike strongly. The Beatles and Abba are perfect examples of this.
21. There is no beverage in this world I love more than herbal tea.
22. I'm really not as weird as most people think, and usually it's just an act that functions as a defense mechanism.
    
23. I strongly dislike using maths.
24. I really don't like hearing anything within about an hour of waking up other than noises from nature. I don't really like hearing people talk in this time, too.
    
25. I'm a grammar freak.
    
26. I hate shaving, but like the clean-shaven result as it makes me look dashing.
    
27. I want to know when I'm going to start getting 5-0'clock shadow.
28. I don't like how much of a groucho I can be sometimes. Especially when I become a groucho at someone. It sucks.
    
29. Music in other languages makes me swoon. Especially romance languages.
30. I love taking pictures of stuff, but they usually come out rubbishly. This might be due to the fact that my camera is getting a bit old now.
    
31. I don't really have any idea what I want to study at university and jump from subject to subject at least once a month.
    
32. The mistakes I make are usually very embarrassing or revealing and I'll frequently say things without realising that sound quite stupid.
    
33. I sometimes install computer games just to steal the music tracks that come with them, 'cuz I'm a music dork like that.
    
34. I splice my sentences with commas, even though I know full well that this is very bad practice for a so-called grammar freak.
    
35. There is a window above this PC which gives me a perfect view of the sky and some trees. I'm sure I've racked up hours looking out of it during pauses for thought.
36. I don't think my tweets are good enough.
37. I sort-of don't and sort-of do believe in miasmic theory.
38. I think my nose is my worst feature and hope to have a very minor reduction-rhinoplasty when I'm older.
39. I'd like to get a tongue scraper.
    
40. I don't mind not taking a shower every other day if I'm not going out to see anyone or do anything, though I feel dirty all day for not doing so.
    
41. I like Shilpa Shetty's eyes.
42. I experience a 'really strong burning hate want-to-strangle thing' whenever I see guys like this.
43. I don't know why and I've tried to find out many, many times. Therapy sessions have been there and tried to uncover that.
44. I have a theory that bird poo gravitates towards brown things.
    
45. I don't understand how anyone could ever think Daniel Powter's 'Bad Day' is a happy song.
    
46. I'm not sure if I believe in soul mates or, sometimes, even love.
    
47. If I had a super-power then I'd love it to be something like the abilities of super-computers V.I.K.I. or Ariia from I, Robot and Eagle Eye, respectively.
48. I wish I was more manly (and this very much relates to #8 & #9).
    
49. I often prefer foreign films over US- or UK-made ones.
    
50. After visiting, I realised that I don't like Poland much.
    
51. If I have a stomach ache, I lay face-first on the floor.
52. Also about music: I love the majority of music from the 1940's and 50's because it seems far more innocent, basic and warm than most modern music productions these days.
    
53. I find it a little disconcerting to read books created by people who are now dead.
54. My grandma ('Grammy') and I get on super-duper well.
    
55. I think all toddlers are insanely cute. Especially when they run around with coats and wellies on.
56. I kill most plants that live within 5 yards of where I sleep (apart from cactuses!)
57. I imagine up my own music videos to songs.
58. I have very eclectic tastes in music because I don't enjoy most pop music.
59. I was really, really fat as a kid. I have the pictures to prove it.
    
60. I try to choose the lesser of two evils when the situations present themselves.
    
61. The sound of rain makes me feel so lovely inside. Especially when I'm inside, wrapped up and/or in bed.
62. I wear pyjamas all the time at home, but own enough sets to be able to wear separate pj's for going to bed and lazyin' it at home.
63. I'm very much an agnostic, and find atheism a little too bitter to handle.
    
64. Chocolate has never really 'done it' for me.
65. I find 'sweets' absolutely retch-worthy and would never eat them.
    
66. I neither love nor hate marmite but think that its conglomerate master could be a bit kinder to animals.
67. I want to fall in love with a cowboy one day.
68. I suffer from very mild, generalised social-anxiety disorder.
69. I'm not particularly satisfied with my body (and at the date of revision, I've blogged about this).
    
70. I love being caught in the rain, but not when it's windy or excessively cold. I also like it when it rains in summer.
    
71. I always forget how to end a letter properly and have to google it every time.
    
72. Singing, for me, is a great way to relieve stress. However, I hate singing around other people and have no idea what I sound like.
73. I'm a stationery addict.
    
74. I don't watch, listen to or read the news and make a point of treating the news as the plague.
75. I overthink things all the time and hate the fact that I do.
    
76. I get scared quite easily.
    
77. I'm really a big softie and romanticism absolutely melts me (in a good way).
    
78. Once I get in my giggle mood, I'll just about laugh at anything. Especially marketing slogans.
79. I don't like nose hair. At. All.
80. I'm really not fond of my family.
81. I couldn't ride a bike until I was 10 and I'm embarrassed about it.
82. I'm not too fussed about sex before marriage, but I am very much opposed to casual sex.
83. I am not the type to argue, and will only do so when very grumpy or in a dark mood.
84. My current favourite word is 'praxis'.
85. I've tried to make a habit of meditating for years, but I've never ever gotten into it and it usually falls in the hobby-gutter in about a week.
    
86. Even though I'm a vegan, I don't like to push it into other people's faces. My beliefs and values are mine alone.
87. I've had two 'Johari moments' in my entire lifetime.
88. I have two very close friends who I've yet to meet.
    
89. One recently had laser eye-surgery for retinal detachment.
90. He knows how to cheer me up very well, and she and I have really great chats about [just about] everything.
    
91. Either I have a very weak bladder, or my body processes water very, very efficiently, but I pee a lot during the day (and sometimes have to get up multiple times at night).
92. The only vegetables I don't like are leeks, lettuce and broccoli, the latter of which can be made likable by roasting.
93. As long as there is little chance of it harming my mental, emotional or physical health (in both the short- and long-term), I will try almost everything once.
94. I can't believe I was able to get this far in my list.
95. I don't think I could ever be a librarian.
96. Like most people, I can be a massive hypocrite.
    
97. I like neither Richard Dawkins nor his bus campaign.
98. I'm a hummus addict.
    
99. I am a very good cook (when I pay attention for long enough).
100. I don't like saying profanities, and will only use them when things have gone seriously poo-shaped. Instead, I'll use cute reference-words like, "Sqwudge", "Crud" or "Crudler", "Poo-head" or "Poo-face", and my newest additions, "Douche" or "Douchebag".
101. I dont' want to end up living in the UK when I'm over 27, and will do anything to get into any other rich, english-speaking industrialised country.
     

So there you go, my 101 Inconsequential Snippets about Me!

So, now you've read my list, what do you think would fit nicely on your 101?

Later 'tater!

Dear Poop Face, Go Away.

Hai.

So, a few days ago I was watching 'The No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency' and, after seeing whatshername's assisant say 'Go Away' in this amazingly-fitting African accent that seemed to make the 'Go Away' velvety smooth, it got me practicing my accents.

I'll admit, I'm a bit of a weirdo. I like accents. A lot. And even more, I like to try and get them just right so I can say things like this 'Go Away'. Here's the teaser for the program. As it's already ended, it's just to get you to buy them so you can watch their awesomeness yourself.

Here's a snazzo picture of the speaker:



So, uhm, anyway. I was, honestly, more than a little bit jealous when I read a certain blogger's blog t'other (that's: the other) day. Not Emerald Delight No. 2 Green with envy. Not even Grecian Garland No. 3 jealous. Something closer to Granada Green No. 6 type of jealousy-greenn-ness.

And it got me thinking. Why wasn't I as capable a writer as her? Yeah yeah, I know, I write all fine and it's nice to read and blah blah with a cup of blah with a scoop of blah on top. But, honestly, there's a line (which isn't a fine line, by the way) between an 'okay' writer and a 'GREAT' writer. It's clear which I'm on and, well, it was very clear to me which side she was on.

And it got me thinking. What's that one ingredient that I need? Silken Tofu? Bran Flakes? Chilli-Cheeze-Fries?

But then it really got me thinking. I'm quite a Twitter lover (here's me) and, well, I am sometimes very much astounded by the base some people have made on Twitter. Like, seriously. I don't just mean the 'stars' who have 10 zillion followers who 'Oooh' and 'Aaah' at everything they do. I mean those people who have, quite literally, gone from nothing and made themselves a community.

I'm especially impressed by the moms/mums that do this.

And so, as I was thinking about why I was an Epic Mage of Suckage in the World of Blogcraft, I decided I would actually get to know someone who, to me, is one of several Twitter Demi-Goddesses on my list. I sent her a tweet to get the end-of-this-suckage ball rolling. To start off with it was rocky ground. I was like WTF. When did Twitter-conversation and gaity (that's being all fun 'n' stuff, not having orgies) become kinda hard? When did it become a SLOG?! Uhm, yeah.

So then it kinda hit me. I've evolved from a Mattachu to an Old-Croneachu. Shocked much? Not much, I'll bet.

It half-hit me and half-didn't. Sort of like when someone looks at a box of powdered icing sugar and it suddenly explodes everywhere. The sugar doesn't really 'hit' you, but rather wafts seductively onto you until you're covered in a big-ass sugary mess. But there it was, my big sugary mess: When did I suddenly have to make life so serious? I've got, like, 60 years left. IF that. I'm a man, so who am I kidding? I've got 53-ish years left (and, if you're paying attention, you can work out my age (ish) with that)!

So, with that in mind, I need to loosen up a little, stop being such an Old-Croneachu and be more of a a Looseachu. Let's see how this goes.

Until our next equilibrioception encounter,

What I like about You.

In the not-too-distant past, every Friday morning, from 8-50 to 9-40, I recieved some lovely ol' counselling from a lovely woman named Lisa. Every friday, I would go in, rant and rave about practically everything in my life, ocassionally do a therapeutic exercise, and then trot off to my history lesson just after.

I remember one time doing this exercise (which she never told me whether or not it was a *real* exercise or something she had just made up -- she was good fun) where I had to draw a tree and then list names of people I know within it. For one reason or another, I decided I would write down the names of people who either really bugged me or who I aspired to be like.

(A tree, in case you've never seen one)

One certain individual, who we will call Emily, was in this tree picture. The next part of the exercise was to cross people off until we were left with one person. Each time I crossed someone off, I explained who they were to give Lisa some insight into my choices.

Emily, as I remember was seen by others (and me for a long time, before we started to really chat) to be a character of infectious happiness, her wonderfully-broad smile and her ability to almost literally light-up a room with her brilliance. I chose her, though, not really for all any of these wonderful qualities but, really, because I admired her genuine sense of self. She didn't pretend to be someone else. She always was just Emily. Not 'Nice Emily' and then sometimes 'Bitchy Emily', and other times 'Silly Emily'. She was always just her genuine self. I admired -- and admire -- that a lot. A heck of a lot.

And it makes me smile a bit now. A certain blogger who I also admire greatly seems to follow this trend a lot too. I'll admit you can never know anyone completely and trully just through the words they write, but I think you can still learn a lot. And when I look at this blogger, Mipa, it just makes me wonder: why can't I be more like that?

But really, honestly, I think part of becoming genuine is a part of growing up. Not a growing up that you can do by gaining years, but by gaining experience. Just by glancing back now, the people who I've always found the most curious and admirable are the ones who are just themselves. They're genuine.

Isn't it funny how even the most fleeting characters of life -- the lady that served water in an exam, a mum I once knew who was always a tiny bit dull, or even a slightly crazy girl from my GCSE spanish class -- all have these qualities about them without even doing anything...

Without doing anything but being themselves.

----

P.S. Even if you aren't the lady that served water in my exam, Mipa, the crazy girl from Spanish, Emily or that slightly-dull mum, you could very likely be one of those people who contain that special spark in my eyes. Obviously, though, it would be practically impossible to list every person who has affected my life in that way. And even if you don't contain it for me, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that for another you capture it for them. And even then, just because you might not be fully 'yourself' all the time doesn't mean you don't add value to my life. I didn't list this person, but she's quite literally the most influential individual in my life of what it means to be a content, in-love gay person. We all play a part in this big web of a world. Remember this.

Don't worry, I know there are typos and grammatical errors in this post -- just like every other one. I'm sure you can work out what went wrong. Forgive me?

Let's Fix the World with Baby Steps

I'm a huge listener of music (that is, I listen to music a lot -- not that I'm gigantic) and find that it allows me to express parts of my mind which I don't really tell other people about. Not that I'm being secretive or anything: I'm sure that most people have at least a few corners of their mind which they keep all to themselves.

And so, after yesterday's post which, after thinking about it, seemed quite depressing and doomy-future, I began to think. Like with all of my reflective, ponder-y thinking, I had some music to accompany me. Well, actually, more like two songs to accompany me. Nina Simone's rendition of 'I think it's gonna Rain Today', and KT Tunstall's 'Under the Weather' (can't find a decent version of the latter - sorry!).

Anyway, throughout today I've been real reflective. Reflective and blue.

"Blue?"

Yeah. 'Down in the dumps', as my mother would put it. Whether this was owing to the fact that last night I was visited by two deeply disturbing nightmares, or simply because I knew my post was just 'wrong' somehow, I felt out of sync with everything else. Distant. Cold.

I'll be the first to say that there are some real sh*t things in the world. In fact, I'll even go so far as to say that there are more cr*ppy things than there are good things out there. But, I dunno, sometimes the mathematics of that sentence -- that the bad outweighs the good -- seems really invalid to me.

I mean, let's take weight as an example. It seems that just about everyone has one issue or another with their weight. Sure, weight, body shape and body size is something that we all consider to be a point of sh*tdom in the world. But I dunno. The more I think about it, the more it seems that the positive value of these things -- like body size -- aren't none existant but, really, hiding in the overcoming of them.

And really, it's almost like that with everything, isn't it?

Overcoming abuse. Learning to actually like your body. Making a difference in the world to enable African children to drink fresh water. Whatever the problem is, maybe the sh*t isn't really bad at all, maybe it's just a signal to say that we have to put our attention there.

And maybe that means the world needs a lot of TLC, but with 6.6 billion of us, maybe we can just pull ourselves out of all of this after all. I personally have to believe that we can make this world go forwards. For once, I'd rather be the optomist than the pessimist.

This leaves me with one final thought: they often say that a small change will last forever, while a huge one will fall flat on its face. With that in mind, what action can you do to change the world, or your life, forever?

My mind loves making mistakes, both grammatical and of the spelling variety, in my posts. Please feel free to ignore my mind's little mishaps. :]

"George can have his rat race, I can do without it."

It's a bit hard to describe, but for the past few days I've been experiencing something which can only be put as my 'touchy-feely sentimental mood'. It happens every now and again. Sometimes they're triggered by things, sometimes they're not. This one most definitely was.

Being one of those epically complex, introspecty-type people, I can never be sure what is really triggering this tender mood of mine. This past one though, well, I'm pretty sure it's come from this 'puter game I've been playing (well, played).


For those of you that can't understand pictures, the game I'm referring to is Fallout 3. Now, don't worry, this post isn't to do with computer games, it's to do with something that struck me heavily within the game.

You see, in Fallout 3, the game is set in post-apocalyptic Washington D.C. When your character is first exposed to this post-apocalyptic world (as you start out living underground but come to the surface chasing after your dad who mysteriously leaves), well, it's a sight that took me aback. I was... stunned, yet silently disheartened. It struck a tiny fear deep down which I was barely aware existed in me.

(This is concept art, not a screenshot. It applies just the same, though)

It was until today, however, that all of this came to fruitation. As I'm a bit of a YouTube trawler, I sometimes download videos which are a little special. You know, videos which don't get loads of hits and no one really finds but you and, yet, even though it's not popular, it's so precious. Well, having not watched my little stash for a while, I thought it would be nice

In this video, the two singers are singing to each other about how each would trade the their life for the other person's because of how much they dislike their own. Just before they break into their little song and dance, one of them says, "George can have his rat race, I can do without it."

It quickly appeared to me that I was deeply concerned about the state the world may be in within even the short span of 50 years. Now, I'm not trying to be doom & gloom, nor sensationalist (as I hate sensationalism), but it does make you think, doesn't it? There are so many advancements in the world every year -- and equally so many outrageous ethical abuses -- and it just makes me question, in which direction is this earth going?

With countries like China steaming towards first place in the economy race of the globe, and yet more and more consumers simultaneously becoming increasingly concerned about where their products are coming from and who was screwed over to make them, I really can't help but ask:

Where are we all headed? And, even more importantly, do we really want to go there?

Listen to the Trees

I was initially torn between writing a post regarding, 'How Strange some People can be', but, after some thought, decided upon the above. Just so you know, this post is a revelationy response to this previous one. I recommend you read that one first, and then move onto this one. I don't; really know how long this one is going to go on for, but don't worry, it gets good. ;-)

So, 30 minutes ago I was out on a bike ride (something I frequently do when the weather is nice or I need to 'reflect'), and had been pondering on bits and bobs of little consequence. Eventually, I found myself on the top of a certain wooded-hill that over the years I have taken an increasing fondness for. It was along this little stretch of road that the trees gave me the message*.

Before I tell you my little (well, actually, perhaps quite big) revelation, please let me give you some insight. A few months ago an English teacher of mine was giving my class a rant/story about a holiday he had been on a long time in the past. He told us about how he was in the shower, and was casually showering in the sun (as it was an enclosed shower with no roof in some tropical country) when, to his surprise, he saw a lizard on the side of the shower.

Without any alarm or startled response, both him and this lizard simpy watched each other for some time before the gecko walked off somewhere. This gecko came back day after day, minding his own business, before then plodding off. And he learnt something from the gecko. He learnt to be more 'gecko'. That is, to stop worrying about things and to just be, just do and just get on with things. Not in a 'stoned' way, but in a 'stop worrying' way.

For me, though, this just didn't work. It may have been that that lesson was a less-than-lovely one or that I've never really been into lizards -- or anything. Regardless, it just didn't work. So, naturally, I semi-brushed it aside.

So there I was, riding along that road, when the message sprung from a tree. I was peddling away when I looked upwards at the underside of a couple of long, leaf-filled branches. I looked down, and it had been delivered.


A tree doesn't worry about growing or being, it just does. It just is.

And so, then, that suddenly applied itself to my situation without any type of conscious thought whatsoever.

Stop worrying about where you might be going, and just go there.

And you know what? I think I just might.



*I'm not crazy!

I say No to White Supremacy.

I got an e-mail from a certain supremacist 'friend' of mine. It was a forward that contained a so-called 'speech' about why we should all engage in 'white pride' and so should forward the e-mail on. I think White Pride is the most ridiculous thing in the world and, so, this was my response to him.



"I am disgusted.

Black people were persecuted by us so-called 'proud' white men for hundreds of years. They were used as slaves on plantations, as our maids and our servants. They were beaten, abused and pushed into ghettos where they rotted from famine and spreading disease. It is faceless propaganda like this which causes the continuation of institutionalised racism to students of other races and cultures.

This isn't white pride. This is xenophobia.

Do you happen to know what happened to the Japanese when they entered the US for the first time in large masses? Do you happen to know the unending torture that arabs face because of 'proud' white men who claim to 'defend' their country do for 'national security'?

Oh sure, be proud of being white. And also, why not be proud for being heterosexual, too? And while you're at it, for being within the middle classes? After all, we are supporting the status quo, aren't we?

I am disgusted. You should be ashamed.

The so-called speech that was attached to your e-mail was most obviously NOT his actual words as there are no voiced pauses. Either he had practiced that hate-speech beforehand or it's made-up. Either way, all roads lead to racism.

The idea that it's 'okay' for any person of any other nationality to use our SKIN colour as an insult is as ridiculous as, what was his name? Oh, that's right: Hitler. NO-ONE should use racial insults, REGARDLESS of which 'side' you're on. Why, you ask? Just ask 6 million missing Jews. Oh, wait...

The ghettos are the most dangerous places to live because we created the Poverty Cycle. We created loans that people living under the Poverty Line cannot repay. We created places for the people who get the worst jobs in society and the lowest pay in society to live in all together so they don't have to get in our proud, white lives.

The United Negro College Fund? Oh, yeah, sorry about giving black people equal the opportunity to get an education similar to a white man's.

Martin Luther King Day? Oh, yeah, sorry about giving black people a holiday marking the biggest point in the overturning of black discrimination that originated from white men.

Black History Month? Oh, yeah, sorry about giving black people a month to highlight the overcoming of centuries of discrimination brought onto them by white men.

If 'we' had white history month, then I think you'd find the other 10 months remaining would be no-history months, as the majority of history is based AROUND white people. Doi?

We do have organisations to further white people and white people only. A prime British example would be the BBC.

No-one has lost any of their rights -- in America nor any other Western country. You wanna talk about rights? Let's talk about the fact that 50 years ago a black man did not have the RIGHT to vote. Let's talk about the fact that, today, all arab-muslim males in the US do not have the RIGHT to privacy.

Or, you know, we can talk about the continued existence of a certain organisation which still reinforces racial hatred throughout the US. Let's not forget the Klan, shall we?

Whites are rich. Whites are greedy. Whites are discriminatory. And, evidently, some whites are still racist.

I have no need to be proud of being white. Pride suggests we have something to be proud of. If this is as far as white pride has come, then it seems that I do indeed have nothing to be proud of.

I am disgusted."

If this is growing up, I'm getting off the bus.

About 10 months ago I was receiving counselling from the most caring, friendly and warm woman I've ever met. Apart from filling my then cynical heart with the idea that, maybe, just maybe, it's okay to have feelings for people other than distrust, she also transferred to me the idea that we are all travelling.

And when I say travelling, I mean 'on a journey'. Though, honestly, she didn't let a scrap of 'new age' float anywhere near our sessions. She was down-to-earth. Earthy. Huge rack.

She described the journeys we're all on with less onus on the specific path but, rather, the vehicle we are travelling on. Or even if we're on foot. For me, right now, it feels like I'm on a bus. However you want to interpret it, that's fine. But the thing is, I'm starting to feel like I want to get off.

I'll be honest here. I'm not all peaches and cream. In fact, the smiles, laughs and jokes -- as much as I truly wish this wasn't true -- are all a bit of a face. A face I can't help putting on, true, but a face nonetheless. I described it with my previous counsellor as being a bit like an actor. It's still me, but I'm just editing 'me' into a different version of 'me'.

I'm not being fake, though. I've always been the type of person to change who I am according to the person I'm around. To some degree, I think we all do this.

But, anyway, I feel like I want to get off the bus. I'm starting to have enough. If this is growing up, which is what it seems to be, then I'm not sure I want to.

You wanna know what all of this is about? Okay. Let's cut the crap.

Yesterday, I want to an 'open day' for Cambridge University. And, after being wow-ed by its plethora of attractions -- academic, aesthetic and appealing as they were -- I decided that I was/am going to apply. Now here comes the part which makes me want to jump off the bus. Quickly.

Something felt wrong. Out of place. And as today has progressed, after telling my Mum, Dad, Brother and, eventually, Grandma, that feeling deepened in all the wrong ways. It started to make my insides hurt, and I couldn't understand why. Real, physical pain from mysterious, emotional turbulence? Curious.

And so I went down to my local park. More specifically, to the swings. For no real, apparent reason, park swings always help me think. Especially with no shoes on.

And so there I was, swinging away. I slowed down and stopped. Then, like some horrible chemical-weapon, it descended upon me. The truth struck. The truth? I do not think I'm good enough to go to Cambridge.

I'd be happy to go to any of my other choices. But, the thing is, Oxbridge -- or how it has been presented to me -- is like University+1. I'm not trying to be elitist or anything like that. Oxbridge is a work-extreme environment with questionable student mental-health and even more concerning rates of student depression. But, honestly, a little part of me was left behind there.

And so here I am, being on the precipice of one of the biggest decisions of my life, and I consider myself so worthless that my own body is making me experience pain because of it.

If this is growing up, I'm getting off the bus.