How many "No's" are in a "Yes"?

Envision it, you're in the office. There's a gentle noise in the background of phones ringing, people talking and walking about, doors opening and closing. You've just been told by Shelly from Human Resources that she wants a report on your department's efficiency on her desk within the next two days. Simon from packaging wants a meeting with you over your latest designs and you have to pick the kids up within the hour to get them home before taking them to swimming.

All of a sudden, over your shoulder, you hear, "Sarah, can you help me with this?"

You turn around to see Cassandra, a fairly hard-working member of your team asking for some help on a piece of work she's doing. You know you *need* to start getting things finished up and ready to set off for your kids' school, but you just can't help yourself.

"Yeah, sure," you reply as you sigh under your breath.

You don't know why you do it, but you just can't help yourself. You want to say "No", but you just can't stop yourself from allowing your time to be taken by others.

--

This is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. In life, I'm sure you'll agree that there are an almost endless stream of things being put on your to-do list. Yet, what I've been wondering is: how much of our time-drains and distractions are *self*-inflicted? How many 'No's can you find in that one little 'Yes'?

Now, I'm not going to get into the cause of why we do this. From lack of assertiveness to some past grievance which occurred when you were young, the sources of any of our behaviours can be vast and many. No, with this particular issue, taking the stance of moving forward is the more efficient.

Understanding and empowering yourself to say "No", in any way, is the hardest, but most important, step to take. When you can hold yourself back from giving yourself yet *another* responsibility, you will be filled with a sense of inner strength like no other (sometimes, after a little bit of guilt!)

So, how do we say no? Obviously, I'm not asking the question of how to make a sound! How do you get to the point where you are *comfortable* in saying "no"? Bingo.

1. Identify why you are saying "Yes" so much. Like I said before, there is a bottomless pit of reasons that can explain why you are giving people the Y-word rather than telling them straight out that you can't help them. As an example: "I don't like offending people, so I go to the expense of being extra polite by saying "Yes" all the time, even when I don't have the time/resources/energy to really mean it."
   
2. Understand that you're hurting yourself. In the long run, saying "Yes" to everyone really doesn't work. You get stressed out, your weekly timetable gets swamped, your view on life goes from something like "The world's an okay place" to "What the f*** is going on!?" It's *very* important to get clear with yourself that you aren't going to do anything but damage your own life in the long run by saying "Yes" to every possible responsibility that comes along.
   
3. Understand that you're hurting the other person. In a slightly more altruistic vein, you're hurting the other person in the long-run, too! By saying that you'll commit to assist another person with something, when you've already got enough going on as is, you know very well that you're simply not going to do the best job that you can do. It's as simple as that. Instead of fully applying yourself to the task you're helping with, you're really only setting them up to less-than acceptable work. Even more importantly, some people will very often ask for your help with things -- by consistently showing someone that you'll do their work with them (or even FOR them!) you're only making them *dependent* on you. This is perhaps the most damaging thing you can do to a person. Say No to start with and you'll be doing everyone a favour in the end.
4. You *aren't* the guilty party! Remember: You are helping everyone. Don't ever let yourself fall into the false belief that you are doing the wrong thing! Saying "No" is very much the right thing to do! Duping yourself into the belief that you've done or are doing something wrong is the biggest mental mistake you can do! With this line of thinking, you'll only end up saying "Yes" again. Do we want that? NO!
   
5. On the Big Day. When it finally comes around for you to say "No", keep in mind that the world is not going to end. You'll be fine, they'll be fine (and better, by the end of it all). Even more, remember that you've already got a lot going on right now, so a courteous "I'm sorry, I've got way too much to do right now," is all it takes. I'm, of course, not saying you have to scream in their face about how ungrateful they are! Simply, politely and assertively, tell them that you don't have the time. They'll understand.

How many "No's" are in a "Yes"? Well, by this point, I'd like to think there are none. If you ever get unclear about saying "No" to someone, just zoom back here and read through the 5-points. When you tell someone "No", you know it'll be worth the minute it took to read through this all. : )